When Anger Wasn’t Allowed: Healing the Hurt Beneath the Anger

As a little girl, I remember feeling so angry at my mom, at the things she said, the way she acted, and how small she sometimes made me feel. But underneath all that anger was something much softer: hurt. It hurts to fear your own mother. It hurts to not trust the person who’s supposed to make you feel safe.

When I showed anger on my face, my mom would say, “Go look in the mirror and see how ugly you are.” I can still remember the sting of those words. I didn’t know it then, but what she really taught me was that anger was bad, that it made me unlovable. So I learned to hide it. I swallowed my feelings, smiled when I wanted to cry, and tried to be the “good girl.”

But here’s the thing: anger isn’t the real problem. It’s a signal. It’s what we see on the surface, but underneath it lives hurt, fear, and disappointment. Anger is often our body’s way of saying, “Something doesn’t feel right. Please pay attention.”

When we grow up in homes where emotions aren’t welcomed, we learn to disconnect from them, especially anger. We either explode or go numb. Neither feels good, and both leave us misunderstood.

It’s taken me years to see anger in a different light. Now I understand that it isn’t something to fear or be ashamed of. Anger can protect. It can help us set boundaries. It can even lead to healing if we listen to what’s beneath it.

For me, healing meant giving that little girl a voice again, the one who was told her feelings made her ugly. She wasn’t ugly. She was hurt, scared, and longing to be understood.

If you grew up feeling misunderstood, too, I see you. Maybe you were told to calm down, stop being dramatic, or get over it. Maybe, like me, you learned that certain emotions weren’t safe to show.

But here’s what I’ve learned: anger doesn’t make us bad; it makes us human. And when we learn to listen to it with compassion, it becomes a doorway, not to destruction, but to truth, healing, and connection.

A Gentle Invitation

In therapy, and especially in ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, we can begin to safely explore the emotions we’ve spent years pushing away. When we create space for what lies beneath the anger, something powerful happens: we find understanding instead of shame, compassion instead of judgment, and peace instead of pain.

If you’re ready to start healing the emotions that have felt too heavy to carry alone, I’d be honored to walk with you. Together, we can uncover what your anger has been trying to tell you all along and help you finally feel free.

I'm just a call away at (805) 244-8489.