The Woman Still Waiting for the Hug She Never Got

The Woman Still Waiting for the Hug She Never Got

I remember being about nine years old when I made a quiet, heartbreaking decision.

My mother’s affection came in waves... sometimes warm, sometimes unreachable. One day, after trying to lean on her just to feel close, I chose to turn off my own emotions. It felt too risky to need something she couldn’t always give.

That’s the day I stopped reaching out for hugs.

Instead, I found safer ways to love. I saved up my babysitting money and walked four miles alone to buy birthday and holiday gifts for my family. I wrote love notes. I gave quietly, from a distance. Because love, at least in that form, couldn’t reject me.

Some of you, I know, did the same.

For every woman who still longs for the hug she didn’t get, this is the warmth we deserved.

And some of you are still waiting for that hug.

When Touch Doesn’t Feel Safe

You may find it challenging to express or receive affection with your partner.

You may stiffen when your child reaches for a cuddle.

You might feel numb, or even guilty, because touch should feel natural, right?

But here’s the truth no one tells us:

When physical touch wasn’t safe, consistent, or welcome in childhood, our nervous system remembers, even if our mind has moved on.

What We Don’t Say Out Loud

We don’t talk about how confusing it is when we crave closeness but flinch when it arrives.

We don’t admit that something as small as a hug can feel like too much.

We don’t say how strange it feels to grow up in a culture—like my Costa Rican family—where hugging is expected… and still feel shut down inside.

But I understand. You are not broken. You are not cold.

You adapted. And that’s a kind of brilliance.

5 Gentle Steps Toward Feeling Safe With Touch

1. Notice your body first

When someone reaches for you, pause. Ask: Do I feel tense? Open? Numb?

No judgment, just awareness.

2. Set your own pace

You don’t have to force a big embrace. Start with a brief contact, a gentle touch on your shoulder, and a longer handshake. Let your system get used to safety.

3. Practice with people you trust

Maybe it’s your child, or a friend who “gets it.” Let them know you’re working on this. Connection can be healing when it’s honest.

4. Try self‑holding

It sounds simple, but placing your hand on your heart or hugging a pillow while you breathe deeply can calm your nervous system. It’s a way of saying: “we’re safe now.”

5. Give yourself grace

This isn’t about becoming a “hugger.” It’s about becoming more you—the version that feels whole, connected, and free to choose.

You Still Deserve That Hug

Even if your mother couldn’t give it.

Even if you’ve spent decades without it.

Even if you’re just now learning how to let it in.

You still deserve that hug.

And maybe—just maybe—you’ll be the one to give it to yourself first.

Want more support around touch, trauma, or healing relationships?

I invite you to explore therapy or ketamine‑assisted psychotherapy with me. You're not alone in this work, and you don’t have to go it alone.

Learn more about my therapy approach (https://ameliamoramars.com/services)